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SKETCHOFLOVE@Tumblr
Hello, I'm Huien. Member of It's F, Bitch, with the title of Lucky Cute Bitch. |
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Layout: Lipstick Lullabies XIII. comments
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Codes: dc/tdn |
Not a million fights could make me hate you.
Oh great. 300 posts. Something to rejoice about? Maybe not.You always said I was lazy, I didn't want to do maths, I didn't want to practise. Sometimes, have you ever felt that your expectations are just way to demanding? D'you even understand what's it like to be unable to understand stupid numbers, equations, graphs, random alphabets and mathematical signs? Hello, it's not like I didn't try. I tried to do my Logarithms assignment on my own and I just feel like pulling all my hair out of my head. You tell my teacher that I can't do well in this subjects (2 subjects actually, how sucky) because I'm just plain lazy, I don't want to practise, don't want to ask and so on. Of course it's easy for you to say all that, without even thinking how much you can hurt others because all your maths grades in your whole life were either full marks, A* or As. You've always talked about how everyone in your family never failed maths before, and everyone got at least a B and so on. Y'know what? At the end of the say, what I'm thinking is, So what? So what if they can solve equations so well? So what if they understood alphabets and numbers so well? So what if they've never failed maths in their entire life? Y'all think understanding those stupid numbers and alphabets is so fucking easy? Hello, you wanna try to be in my shoes for just 1 day or 1 hour? You know how difficult it is to even solve just one easy question? You place all your expectations, saying that I should pass all my maths test, and to ace them as well, just because you're some freaky math genius. Look, That's YOU. That's YOUR THINKING. But that's NOT ME. You are you. I'm your daughter. We're hell lot of a difference ok. You are not very tall, you have brown hair, you have very oily face, you can sprint, you can draw, you can scold people really well, you play in the band, you have tried basketball, hockey, all kinds of random sports before. But I'm (very :D) tall, I have super black hair, my face ain't as oily as yours, I hate running, I can't draw that well but I have that love and passion for it, I can scold people (Maybe that's the only thing I inherited from you. Bad temper and scolding people skills), I don't play in the band, I hate ball games. In a way, because we're really different, which is why we're the same. But that's not the point. Don't you ever think that your demands are way far-fetched and unreasonable? I scored F for my Maths 1. D for my Maths 2. You were so shocked and angry and started reprimanding me in front of Mr Yap and Ms Low. You try to use material goods to make me 'work' towards YOUR goals. Look, they aren't even MY goals. You say, you'd buy a new laptop for me, if I score an A* for my maths (Be it overall or EOYs). Don't you think that's way ridiculous? From a fail to a total ace, you think I'm some super math girl or what? Hey, using material goods to make me work hard doesn't anymore ok. Because no matter how hard I've tried or worked, you don't ever seem to notice them. All you see, are just my flaws and my incompetency. You think I don't want to do well in maths? I want to be like my classmates, able to solve like questions so quickly and ask intelligent questions. For me, it takes me like such a long time to solve one easy question. I want to ask intelligent questions as well but I don't really know what I can ask. And when you insist that I should be taught by you, I did try to let you teach me. But when you got really angry, that I don't seem to understand and register what you have taught after like so many times, you'd lose your temper and start scolding me. Remember when I was still learning how to do long division, you were teaching me for like so many times, and I still couldn't get it. You started scolding me and being the usual crybaby, I'd just lock myself up in the room and cry like nobody's fucking business? Until Daddy patiently taught me, I like understood once he taught me. See the difference? You just pour all your stupid expectations which are so unrealistic on someone like me. You just want things your way through the fastest and smartest methods but can't you see that such methods only work for really smart people like (perhaps) you? For the last few tests, I studied on my own, I wanted to prove to myself, that without you, I'd be able to marginally pass my tests? And I managed to pass 3 marginally. Maybe it's something not enough for you to praise me. But at least, when I put in an effort, to study for something that seemed so incomprehensible, I managed to pass. Hello, I passed WITHOUT you. 3 tests may not be half of the tests that I took this year but this was what I managed to get using my own sucky ability. At least I tried, and I understood what's it like to be truly contented. Sometimes, I really wonder, have you ever thought about what I really wanted in life? Everything you did for me, you just wanted to pave my future. Something that I don't really like. Maths and science are important. But what happens if a person just really can't do well in those subjects? Is he/she supposed to just wallow in self-despair or what? Why can't there be a graded subject whereby I'm truly interested in. If only art was graded. Things might just be better. Have you ever thought what I wanted to study in the future. I just keep thinking, I've got to do arts, if not music. I've got my own dreams and goals. I kind of have an idea as to what I want to do in the future. It's just that I'm unsure whether things would work out the way I want. I guess I've really calmed down now. Sometimes I really hate the fact that going to university is a norm. In the past, studying in a university would lead to a bonus in your career, you'd earn much more. But even if you didn't have a degree, you'd still do well. Then, people would fight with all their might to get into JCs then university. Polytechnics were considered as 2nd option. Now, even polytechnics are targeted by smart people. It's hard to survive. And your expectations and comparisons are not helping either. |
